On not being the right man for the job...

I am grumpy today. I'm reacting to a situation that feels very gender-based to me, but part of me wonders if my recent uptick in feminist blog-following has made me more sensitive to existing disparity or if I'm becoming a hammer that sees every problem as a nail. I lean more towards the former, but wanted to be honest about how hard it is not to internalize all the feminist-backlash information that's out there.

So, without further ado, here's the situation that has me all annoyed and dispirited.

One of my best friends is an artist. His drawing skills are amazing and when he's in a groove, he's so prolific that drawings ooze out of him, seemingly whether he's consciously focused on it or not. As a fellow artist, and one who loses nothing by openly admiring others, I sometimes collaborate with him on projects, or on exercises that we do just to stay sharp and creative. I discuss my work with him and am genuinely interested in his constructive criticism.

That said, he has a tendency to be artistically condescending. He's a classic man-splainer, about everything from art to how to drive off-road. And while he DOES have a well-developed style and many fine skills, he works mainly in a single medium--pen and paper. He seems to take my openness to learn from him as tacit acceptance that he is the teacher and I the student, though I work in multiple media and have a style and skill set arguably deeper and broader than his own. Normally, I laugh about it, take it in my stride, and love him regardless.

The other day, however, I ran hard up against a wall with him and I think it's inextricable from our dynamic as a woman and a man. While we were hanging out he got a text from a friend at work inviting him to collaborate on a huge piece of public art. Throughout the evening more texts and calls flooded in, filling out some of the details of the project. Overhearing the exchanges, and then listening to my friend enthuse about the great new opportunity, I felt wistful that I wouldn't be involved in such a cool thing. Until we went into another room and my friend began to explain the project to his roommate, Josh--and asked him right away if he would be interested in joining. Right in front of me! Wtf?

I was dumbfounded. But I spoke up right away, "What am I, chopped liver?!" Both men looked at me sort of awkwardly, and my friend said, "But Josh...he has experience doing street art." To which I replied, "Yeah, but it's a mural, right? And you don't know whether or not it's guerilla art or if it'll all be above-board in broad daylight?" I have massive mural experience, incidentally, and am not averse to a little artistic subversion in the form of public-art bombs. Aside from that, the only way a person ever gains experience doing something is by...doing it. And wouldn't you think that as a friend and fellow artist he'd jump at the chance to help me grow? But as he became more defensive about his choice to exclude me RIGHT TO MY FACE, and Josh refused to look me in the eyes, I suddenly got this prickly feeling that this wasn't about my skill set or abilities as an artist. This project, a mural based on a classic video game, wasn't FOR ME. It was a boy thing. Of course. *facepalm*

What little I know of street art and graffiti reveals that same lack of representation of women as so many other areas of the public sphere. I'm certainly no expert on guerilla art culture--but I wonder, is this disparity because women have nothing to say or that this particular medium doesn't appeal to them as a way to say it? Or, as I seem to have encountered, is there an element of the classic old boys' network, where men support and include and share knowledge with each other without considering the female artists they know? At first it felt like just a case of them having man-blinders on, and I was sure once they thought about it they'd say, "Duh! Of course you should be in on this--you have tons to contribute!" Their actual reaction crossed the line into the feeling that they actively believe that women have no place in subversive, public, or REAL art. And that hurt a lot.

A sympathetic female friend suggested that perhaps he thought he was protecting me from potential legal repercussions. But again, this happened when the best available information suggested a publicly sanctioned project and BESIDES I'm a grown-ass woman who can look out for myself. And what a convenient argument that has always been for keeping women out of the public sphere: "Aw, honey, it's DANGEROUS. You could get hurt, or in trouble! Better leave it to us tough, rebellious men-folk." It seems like THIS is where the women are in street art--subjects to be gazed upon, with men speaking on their behalf (this was the first Google entry for "women in street art"):

http://unurth.com/289249/JR-Women-Are-Heroes-Video

Just to keep this from being all anger, no action, here are some neat links about women in street art. This first one confirms my suspicions about the boys' club:

http://www.at149st.com/women.html

And now that I've seen this, I know what I want for my birthday:

http://www.creativecloseup.com/graffiti-women-street-art-from-five-continents

The Harry/Sally Paradox

I've been wondering a lot lately about the old trope that men and women can't be (platonic) friends. It feels wrong to me, having as I do, quite a few male friends. On the other side of the issue, it would be a lie to say that those relationships have never been complicated by issues of sex or romance.

What is problematic for me about this idea is that sex is the default relationship between people who are female and those who are male--as if our primary value to one another socially is reproduction. Does it then follow that gay and straight men can't be friends, because the issue of desire will always come between them? Should I be wary that all of my women friends who prefer other women romantically secretly have designs on me? That's ridiculous. It also completely disregards those times when two people of the same (read: "safe" for friendship?) gender find themselves attracted to one another in spite of previously preferring partners of the opposite gender. And where does that leave all the people who present and identify between the two poles? Or entirely outside of that binary altogether?

As a wise friend of mine once said, "It's never JUST about sex." To me, this means that even if you engage in an encounter with someone casually, say as a one-night stand or a friend-with-benefits, you can't predict or limit your emotions. They're going to do what they do, no matter where you stand ideologically. And that's not such a bad thing. Personally, I have to like at least some other things about a person than their body if I'm going to want to share mine with them. Right there, that creates a facet of the relationship that is more than sex. Also, I don't think that an underlying sexual tension is a problem in a relationship that is otherwise platonic, even one that you intend to keep that way. I have several friends that I find very attractive with whom discourse is the only kind of intercourse I'll ever have, and it adds an exciting element to our debates and interactions, a piquant little zing that makes me smile. But then, I've always like a bit of pain with my pleasure.

Aside from being factually wrong, I think this idea and set of attitudes is dangerous. It promotes the idea that there is something fundamentally different between men and women. That the only place we can fit together is our genitals. It necessarily limits what we can be to each other, and crams us into essentialized little boxes. The older I get, the more I realize about myself, and for years I've been trending towards a more androgynous outward presentation. What I've come to understand is that in addition to being a more accurate reflection of who I feel I am inside, this also functions an effective strategy for neutralizing some of that sexual tension that is apparently inevitable. One consequence of that is that I find other people accepting me at my own estimation, listening to my opinions and engaging with me intellectually without (dis)qualifying my attitudes based on their perception of me as a woman. A not-so-nice consequence is the difficulty I have making a transition when I DO want a friendship to evolve into something more physical.

I will also admit that it lends me a sense of security which is sometimes false. It makes me feel less visible to those that might want to take advantage of me based on my gender, and sometimes enables me to bury my head in the sand when friends start to feel more. I am startled and shaken when men say blatantly sexual or threatening things to me (as yet, I have never been on the receiving end of a comment like this from a woman)--and part of that is because I choose to surround myself with respectful, open-minded people, but part of it is that I've let myself feel complacent with people I've already vetted, rather than force myself into a state of constant (and exhausting) high-alert.

I hear from men and women alike that men don't seek platonic relationships with women, that every guy friend I have would happily indulge in a sexual encounter with me without a thought for the consequences it might have for our friendship. Now I have plenty of friends of both genders that I am *patently* NOT interested in sleeping with--handsome men, beautiful women, people with dazzling wit and steel-trap intellect who, for whatever reason, don't fire my pistons. Can men be so completely different that this isn't true for them? Isn't the idea that men will sleep with anyone they'll talk to a really damaging idea along the same lines of their legendary, never-flagging readiness to bone? And on the other side of the coin, I've experienced for myself the way that many men my age are not interested in what I have to say on any subject because they aren't physically attracted to me--and I think that's cultural rather than inherent. These are guys in class who look surprised when I offer an opinion, because honestly, they didn't notice me sitting there! I read it somewhere put very succinctly that for many men a woman to whom they are not physically attracted is a useless entity. I think this is a damaging assumption--when women buy into it and perpetuate it, it can lead to feelings of low self-worth and hopelessness about men, and when men internalize it, it can cut them off from a whole group of people with whom they can interact on tons of different levels. Those guys in class are missing out on my hilarious dry wit and sincere interest in the backstories of video games--and I am left fighting my urge to reduce them in all their (presumable) multi-dimensional glory to stupid, sexist, lookist assholes. And what then, shall I tell my man friends who are gay? That they're harboring some unacknowledged desire for my lady parts? That I'm secretly a man (let's see if he notices...)?

A couple final thoughts on this: I've been reading The Ethical Slut, which is a practical guide to polyamory and open relationships. The authors suggest that sex can be a healthy part of many friendships that one never intends to make romantic. Sex is fun, free, and it feels good. It undeniably gets us closer to one another and forges intense bonds. They suggest that plenty of friendships CAN and SHOULD contain sexual elements, and that relationships can be improved by the addition. I'm intrigued by this idea, ideologically I really like it, and the prospect of having sex available to me even when there's no one on the horizon I feel I could fall in love with is immensely appealing. I'm not quite sure how practical it is for me personally though, as not all of my friends feel the same way about free love as I do, nor do I believe, could many of them handle a physical relationship without falling into the normative social script of compulsory romance. And there are some people that I wish to remain friends with in spite of the fact that I'm not comfortable going to pieces in their arms as I inevitably do during great sex. Just some food for thought. What do you think?

I do NOT stand with Naomi Wolf

Pursuant to the following link, I just want to make my stance clear.

http://www.fugitivus.net/2010/12/22/dear-second-and-third-wave-feminists-with-publicly-recognizable-names/