Great Link!

Just stopping in really quick to post this great link.

http://www.amptoons.com/blog/2005/12/02/privilege-is-driving-a-smooth-road-and-not-even-knowing-it/

Best quote ever?

"Of course, everyone – regardless of race and sex – will hit occasional bumps on the road. And everyone, white men included, has put out some sort of effort to get where they got. But when the folks on the smoother road go faster and further, let’s not pretend it’s because they’re better drivers."

On not being the right man for the job...

I am grumpy today. I'm reacting to a situation that feels very gender-based to me, but part of me wonders if my recent uptick in feminist blog-following has made me more sensitive to existing disparity or if I'm becoming a hammer that sees every problem as a nail. I lean more towards the former, but wanted to be honest about how hard it is not to internalize all the feminist-backlash information that's out there.

So, without further ado, here's the situation that has me all annoyed and dispirited.

One of my best friends is an artist. His drawing skills are amazing and when he's in a groove, he's so prolific that drawings ooze out of him, seemingly whether he's consciously focused on it or not. As a fellow artist, and one who loses nothing by openly admiring others, I sometimes collaborate with him on projects, or on exercises that we do just to stay sharp and creative. I discuss my work with him and am genuinely interested in his constructive criticism.

That said, he has a tendency to be artistically condescending. He's a classic man-splainer, about everything from art to how to drive off-road. And while he DOES have a well-developed style and many fine skills, he works mainly in a single medium--pen and paper. He seems to take my openness to learn from him as tacit acceptance that he is the teacher and I the student, though I work in multiple media and have a style and skill set arguably deeper and broader than his own. Normally, I laugh about it, take it in my stride, and love him regardless.

The other day, however, I ran hard up against a wall with him and I think it's inextricable from our dynamic as a woman and a man. While we were hanging out he got a text from a friend at work inviting him to collaborate on a huge piece of public art. Throughout the evening more texts and calls flooded in, filling out some of the details of the project. Overhearing the exchanges, and then listening to my friend enthuse about the great new opportunity, I felt wistful that I wouldn't be involved in such a cool thing. Until we went into another room and my friend began to explain the project to his roommate, Josh--and asked him right away if he would be interested in joining. Right in front of me! Wtf?

I was dumbfounded. But I spoke up right away, "What am I, chopped liver?!" Both men looked at me sort of awkwardly, and my friend said, "But Josh...he has experience doing street art." To which I replied, "Yeah, but it's a mural, right? And you don't know whether or not it's guerilla art or if it'll all be above-board in broad daylight?" I have massive mural experience, incidentally, and am not averse to a little artistic subversion in the form of public-art bombs. Aside from that, the only way a person ever gains experience doing something is by...doing it. And wouldn't you think that as a friend and fellow artist he'd jump at the chance to help me grow? But as he became more defensive about his choice to exclude me RIGHT TO MY FACE, and Josh refused to look me in the eyes, I suddenly got this prickly feeling that this wasn't about my skill set or abilities as an artist. This project, a mural based on a classic video game, wasn't FOR ME. It was a boy thing. Of course. *facepalm*

What little I know of street art and graffiti reveals that same lack of representation of women as so many other areas of the public sphere. I'm certainly no expert on guerilla art culture--but I wonder, is this disparity because women have nothing to say or that this particular medium doesn't appeal to them as a way to say it? Or, as I seem to have encountered, is there an element of the classic old boys' network, where men support and include and share knowledge with each other without considering the female artists they know? At first it felt like just a case of them having man-blinders on, and I was sure once they thought about it they'd say, "Duh! Of course you should be in on this--you have tons to contribute!" Their actual reaction crossed the line into the feeling that they actively believe that women have no place in subversive, public, or REAL art. And that hurt a lot.

A sympathetic female friend suggested that perhaps he thought he was protecting me from potential legal repercussions. But again, this happened when the best available information suggested a publicly sanctioned project and BESIDES I'm a grown-ass woman who can look out for myself. And what a convenient argument that has always been for keeping women out of the public sphere: "Aw, honey, it's DANGEROUS. You could get hurt, or in trouble! Better leave it to us tough, rebellious men-folk." It seems like THIS is where the women are in street art--subjects to be gazed upon, with men speaking on their behalf (this was the first Google entry for "women in street art"):

http://unurth.com/289249/JR-Women-Are-Heroes-Video

Just to keep this from being all anger, no action, here are some neat links about women in street art. This first one confirms my suspicions about the boys' club:

http://www.at149st.com/women.html

And now that I've seen this, I know what I want for my birthday:

http://www.creativecloseup.com/graffiti-women-street-art-from-five-continents

The Harry/Sally Paradox

I've been wondering a lot lately about the old trope that men and women can't be (platonic) friends. It feels wrong to me, having as I do, quite a few male friends. On the other side of the issue, it would be a lie to say that those relationships have never been complicated by issues of sex or romance.

What is problematic for me about this idea is that sex is the default relationship between people who are female and those who are male--as if our primary value to one another socially is reproduction. Does it then follow that gay and straight men can't be friends, because the issue of desire will always come between them? Should I be wary that all of my women friends who prefer other women romantically secretly have designs on me? That's ridiculous. It also completely disregards those times when two people of the same (read: "safe" for friendship?) gender find themselves attracted to one another in spite of previously preferring partners of the opposite gender. And where does that leave all the people who present and identify between the two poles? Or entirely outside of that binary altogether?

As a wise friend of mine once said, "It's never JUST about sex." To me, this means that even if you engage in an encounter with someone casually, say as a one-night stand or a friend-with-benefits, you can't predict or limit your emotions. They're going to do what they do, no matter where you stand ideologically. And that's not such a bad thing. Personally, I have to like at least some other things about a person than their body if I'm going to want to share mine with them. Right there, that creates a facet of the relationship that is more than sex. Also, I don't think that an underlying sexual tension is a problem in a relationship that is otherwise platonic, even one that you intend to keep that way. I have several friends that I find very attractive with whom discourse is the only kind of intercourse I'll ever have, and it adds an exciting element to our debates and interactions, a piquant little zing that makes me smile. But then, I've always like a bit of pain with my pleasure.

Aside from being factually wrong, I think this idea and set of attitudes is dangerous. It promotes the idea that there is something fundamentally different between men and women. That the only place we can fit together is our genitals. It necessarily limits what we can be to each other, and crams us into essentialized little boxes. The older I get, the more I realize about myself, and for years I've been trending towards a more androgynous outward presentation. What I've come to understand is that in addition to being a more accurate reflection of who I feel I am inside, this also functions an effective strategy for neutralizing some of that sexual tension that is apparently inevitable. One consequence of that is that I find other people accepting me at my own estimation, listening to my opinions and engaging with me intellectually without (dis)qualifying my attitudes based on their perception of me as a woman. A not-so-nice consequence is the difficulty I have making a transition when I DO want a friendship to evolve into something more physical.

I will also admit that it lends me a sense of security which is sometimes false. It makes me feel less visible to those that might want to take advantage of me based on my gender, and sometimes enables me to bury my head in the sand when friends start to feel more. I am startled and shaken when men say blatantly sexual or threatening things to me (as yet, I have never been on the receiving end of a comment like this from a woman)--and part of that is because I choose to surround myself with respectful, open-minded people, but part of it is that I've let myself feel complacent with people I've already vetted, rather than force myself into a state of constant (and exhausting) high-alert.

I hear from men and women alike that men don't seek platonic relationships with women, that every guy friend I have would happily indulge in a sexual encounter with me without a thought for the consequences it might have for our friendship. Now I have plenty of friends of both genders that I am *patently* NOT interested in sleeping with--handsome men, beautiful women, people with dazzling wit and steel-trap intellect who, for whatever reason, don't fire my pistons. Can men be so completely different that this isn't true for them? Isn't the idea that men will sleep with anyone they'll talk to a really damaging idea along the same lines of their legendary, never-flagging readiness to bone? And on the other side of the coin, I've experienced for myself the way that many men my age are not interested in what I have to say on any subject because they aren't physically attracted to me--and I think that's cultural rather than inherent. These are guys in class who look surprised when I offer an opinion, because honestly, they didn't notice me sitting there! I read it somewhere put very succinctly that for many men a woman to whom they are not physically attracted is a useless entity. I think this is a damaging assumption--when women buy into it and perpetuate it, it can lead to feelings of low self-worth and hopelessness about men, and when men internalize it, it can cut them off from a whole group of people with whom they can interact on tons of different levels. Those guys in class are missing out on my hilarious dry wit and sincere interest in the backstories of video games--and I am left fighting my urge to reduce them in all their (presumable) multi-dimensional glory to stupid, sexist, lookist assholes. And what then, shall I tell my man friends who are gay? That they're harboring some unacknowledged desire for my lady parts? That I'm secretly a man (let's see if he notices...)?

A couple final thoughts on this: I've been reading The Ethical Slut, which is a practical guide to polyamory and open relationships. The authors suggest that sex can be a healthy part of many friendships that one never intends to make romantic. Sex is fun, free, and it feels good. It undeniably gets us closer to one another and forges intense bonds. They suggest that plenty of friendships CAN and SHOULD contain sexual elements, and that relationships can be improved by the addition. I'm intrigued by this idea, ideologically I really like it, and the prospect of having sex available to me even when there's no one on the horizon I feel I could fall in love with is immensely appealing. I'm not quite sure how practical it is for me personally though, as not all of my friends feel the same way about free love as I do, nor do I believe, could many of them handle a physical relationship without falling into the normative social script of compulsory romance. And there are some people that I wish to remain friends with in spite of the fact that I'm not comfortable going to pieces in their arms as I inevitably do during great sex. Just some food for thought. What do you think?

I do NOT stand with Naomi Wolf

Pursuant to the following link, I just want to make my stance clear.

http://www.fugitivus.net/2010/12/22/dear-second-and-third-wave-feminists-with-publicly-recognizable-names/

Early Morning Linketry

Cool link I just discovered. I thought it might be a good one to have access to and look back upon. Also, a thinky thought about my thesis (thath rigth). I think I'll post more of the cool links I find here, instead of to my FB account. Social networks are an important tool for my snowball sampling, and I might skew the results if I send out a call for participants in a study about feminism when I make my opinions so public. Only for the length of my research though.

Anyway, without further ado:

http://www.guardian.co.uk/commentisfree/2006/aug/08/comment.gender

Link Potpourri: for discussion

I am hoping to keep up a bit better with this blog as well as on my new personal blog, Rogue JD. With that in mind, here are some links of interest that Thalia and I have been discussing lately.

What If Black Women Were White Women?

This is a fantastic satiric analysis of sexual and racial stereotypes, written on the model of Gloria Steinem's "If Men Could Menstruate." It asks, "What if suddenly, instantly, the power of white femininity were transferred to black women?"

Movies would feature black women as the main objects of men’s desire across racial lines while stereotypes of evil, bitter, and oversexed white women would further prove why men of all races simply did not prefer blonds. “We can’t help those to whom we're attracted,” men would say. “Preference” would become an unconcealed acceptance of discrimination against white women. White women’s anger towards and sadness about the status quo would show their unreasonable jealousy of the innate superiority of black women.

Republicans would ban abortions to protect the virtue of pure, black motherhood and liberals would advocate increasing the number of abortion clinics in “low income” neighborhoods where white women would be the majority. Liberals would claim that white women had “culturally” approved of sexual objectification and were “safe enough” without outside help since they were warned not to touch “in-group issues” with a ten foot pole.

...As Gloria Steinem wrote, “In short, the characteristics of the powerful, whatever they may be, are thought to be better than the characteristics of the powerless - and logic has nothing to do with it.”

Posting this link on Facebook resulted in some pretty impressive racism denial and derailing from at least one white male commenter, but also brought out some thoughtful comments. A lot of my thoughts about this link actually concern the reactions and interactions from our peers to the article. I challenged the racism-denier, but never felt like I got through to him, and the exchange was certainly no more satisfying to him. He resorted to ad hominem arguments--calling me ignorant and simpleminded--while continuously asserting his own claim to victimhood as a "demonized" white male. Perhaps Thalia can make some suggestions of more productive means of having this kind of conversation, as that is her area of study?

On a more positive note, here is an example of a male game developer nailing the operation of privilege. In response to a straight male complaint about the depiction of homosexual relationships in Bioware's Dragon Age 2, developer David Gaider takes down the complaint with an appropriately sharp rebuke:

The romances in the game are not for “the straight male gamer”. They’re for everyone. We have a lot of fans, many of whom are neither straight nor male, and they deserve no less attention. We have good numbers, after all, on the number of people who actually used similar sorts of content in DAO and thus don’t need to resort to anecdotal evidence to support our idea that their numbers are not insignificant… and that’s ignoring the idea that they don’t have just as much right to play the kind of game they wish as anyone else. The “rights” of anyone with regards to a game are murky at best, but anyone who takes that stance must apply it equally to both the minority as well as the majority. The majority has no inherent “right” to get more options than anyone else.

...And if there is any doubt why such an opinion might be met with hostility, it has to do with privilege. You can write it off as “political correctness” if you wish, but the truth is that privilege always lies with the majority. They’re so used to being catered to that they see the lack of catering as an imbalance. They don’t see anything wrong with having things set up to suit them, what’s everyone’s fuss all about? That’s the way it should be, any everyone else should be used to not getting what they want.

PWNED! It is tremendously encouraging (not to mention sexy as hell!) to see a man working in the upper eschelon of a typically whitewashed, straightwashed, and sexist industry telling it exactly how it is. Well played, sir. I salute you and hope you get good royalties, for I certainly plan to purchase this game.

I also want to share this heartrending but ultimately hopeful article about human-elephant relations that I came upon, of all places, through Cracked.com. This is an old NYT article--I wish I could get an update on new developments--but it demonstrates a pet conviction of mine: that human beings and animals are not so very different, and that we are not the only intelligent life on Earth. It tells the story of how human interference and brutality has changed elephant culture for the worse--how they have begun to rape other animals and murder humans with apparent malice aforethought. The article parallels elephant and human victims of genocide, and sheds light upon the damage wrought by zoos and misguided animal management. It also, to my mind, says a lot about how humans as well as animals are harmed by violence.

Finally, an economic justice link. Losing Our Way, Bob Herbert's last NYT column, speaks eloquently of the times we find ourselves in. "The U.S. has not just misplaced its priorities," he writes. "When the most powerful country ever to inhabit the earth finds it so easy to plunge into the horror of warfare but almost impossible to find adequate work for its people or to properly educate its young, it has lost its way entirely."

Americans behave as if this is somehow normal or acceptable. It shouldn’t be, and didn’t used to be. Through much of the post-World War II era, income distribution was far more equitable, with the top 10 percent of families accounting for just a third of average income growth, and the bottom 90 percent receiving two-thirds. That seems like ancient history now.

The current maldistribution of wealth is also scandalous. In 2009, the richest 5 percent claimed 63.5 percent of the nation’s wealth. The overwhelming majority, the bottom 80 percent, collectively held just 12.8 percent.

This inequality, in which an enormous segment of the population struggles while the fortunate few ride the gravy train, is a world-class recipe for social unrest. Downward mobility is an ever-shortening fuse leading to profound consequences.

I actually can't help but hope that social unrest will erupt in America, because I don't think change is likely to happen within our current political system. I was inspired recently when state union workers revolted in Wisconsin. I think America has forgotten its rebel roots, has forgotten how to stand up. When will it finally remember again? When will it shake off the blinders that cause us to act as if inequality is normal and acceptable? When will we say "enough is enough"?

FA Thinky Thoughts

I've been reading a lot lately about Fat Acceptance. Here are two great links:

http://yrwelcome.wordpress.com/2011/02/01/why-im-fat-positive/#comments

http://slog.thestranger.com/slog/archives/2011/02/11/hello-i-am-fat

and a Thin Girls' Privilege list (a little trite, but still useful):

http://heyfatchick.tumblr.com/post/1296446884

I self-identify as fat. It's cool, I may wish on some days that it was different, but what I actually wish is not that my body was another shape, but that external attitudes about the shape it is weren't so negative. The truth is that I eat better, get more exercise, and am exponentially stronger and more durable than most girls I know.

My body, my metabolism, they're different. I have a thyroid condition that, though regulated now, caused a fair amount of damage before I caught it. I come from curvy, low-to-the-ground ethnic stock, grew up in a low-income household where expensive vegetables often lost out to cheap and easy, starchy fare. And to be fair, when I work out hard over sustained periods, I can slowly start to burn off this extra body mass.

But here's the thing--I'm busy. Really busy. I have exactly zero days off a week, and if I do schedule a day off of work, it's so I can go to an event--so I'm still busy. I don't always, hell, I don't OFTEN have the energy to go to the gym after work. Or before work when I'm trying to squeeze that last bit of sleep out of a too-short night. That's another thing--sleep deprivation is a large factor in weight gain/loss and as a working grad student, sleep deprivation is my theme song. The bottom line is that in a full life something has to give.

And I know the secret is to find balance, blah blah blah. But you know, people don't tell Olympic athletes, "You really should try to work in some calculus, read some classics and stuff in between training sessions--your mind is looking a bit flabby...". They don't tell supermodels, "Honey, your powers of empathy are WEAK!" Fitness is a lifestyle condition that is written on the body. Everyone can tell if you're fat, when it's not immediately apparent to others whether you're functionally illiterate, emotionally immature, a closet speed freak or an asshole.

I can't hide this "failure" and it constantly overshadows my myriad, and way more important other good qualities. The truth is that I have great will-power, but other priorities. I don't need people to tell me, "I don't think of you as fat..." because I am fat. I pretty much always have been, or at least have always felt so. It doesn't tax me overmuch. And I know they're trying to be nice and supportive, but my fatness isn't negative. It's not like I'm unhealthy...my lung capacity is over 100% for my demographic, in spite of allergies and...ahem...chronic bronchitis and my blood pressure and cholesterol are actually on the low side.

I think what FA comes down to is that it's wrong that fat people are the one group it's still okay to bash and make fun of. It's wrong that we're treated as sub-human, sexless and stereotyped as everything from lazy to lacking personal hygiene. Maybe there are health risks associated with obesity--there are also health risks associated with hang-gliding, playing tennis, eating blowfish, driving a car, traveling in third world countries, having babies, and perming your hair. Fatness is not monolithic, it's not the same for every fat person. Some can help, some can't. Some don't want to. Some are so desperate they have surgery, throw up their food, stop eating take dangerous drugs. Some don't do that, but do sit at home feeling worthless and not living for fear of being shamed. Some of us, though, say "fuck you" to fat haters and delight in living full, amazing, joyful, sexy lives and trying to help the aforementioned sad fat folk find the way. And empathizing with them if they can't. And respecting their choice to live however the fuck they choose, because ultimately, it's their life.

For the record, handsome sexy men are often attracted to me. I frequently end up with the guy other girls crush on from afar. And not only am I fat, I often dress like a boy, so how does that line up with the social paradigm? I think the secret is this: I have a healthy sense of self worth and I expect others to treat me in a way that is commensurate with that. The sad thing is that while I know I'm awesome, and I know that the people in my platonic relationships agree, I know that society-at-large can never give me its full seal of approval when I look like this. So I don't worry that men won't be attracted to me--I worry that they'll be ashamed to be seen with, ashamed that the world will know that they aren't repulsed by my generous proportions, that they are, in fact, turned on by my abundant body. It's the third-party reaction that undermines my confidence in my appeal--and it's more powerful than I like to admit. I'm more familiar than I'd like to be with the roles of Just One of The Guys, Wingwoman-For-Thinner (Not Even Always Prettier)-Friend, Friend-With-Benefits-Just-Not-Legitimate-Girlfriend-Status, Invisible Girl and Guilty Pleasure. Very little of that has anything to do with WHO I am...it's all about the WHAT. Which is pathetic, and makes my being fat a very effective social tool for weeding out the worthless, weak, and superficial.

There's a really weird cultural thing about fat that ties in with that RSAnimate short on communication and collective knowledge. I know I'm fat. Everyone else knows I'm fat, but if we don't talk about it, I might believe that they don't really THINK I'm fat. Or they might think that I'm delusional. If we quietly ignore that I don't get treated like a fat person by those around me, maybe it means...I'm not fat? Or that with the power of my will and charisma I can overcome Newton's Third Law of Social Fattitude? I don't know for sure. I do know that I'm reluctant to post FA links on FB. And I'm a little conflicted about what that might mean.

I've grown up in this culture. I'm a part of it and it's a part of me. So yeah, I'm not entirely unconflicted about my body. I'm not fat and sassy all the time. Sometimes I'm fat and insecure. I remember a time when I wasn't fat, but was still insecure about my body. It's not perfect, there's no magic bullet for thinness. Sometimes diet and exercise work, sometimes they don't. For the same person. My question for people who want to shame or give friendly advice to fat people is--What's it to you? How does my being fat interfere with your being happy? Does my happiness-in-spite-of-fatness remind you how sucked in you are to the beauty myth and make you vow that, by GOD, I will play by your rules or you will reality check me?

My response is that, hey, I'm a grad student. One day, I'll be a Dr. in the top 1% of most educated people in the world. I work every day on self improvement and strive to keep my personal integrity intact at all costs. I spread joy wherever I can and try to help everyone I come into contact with see what's best about themselves. I hold down three jobs, produce plenty of artwork on the side, I'm a world-traveler and I make my own dreams come true. So I don't have time to work out or worry about calories? Clearly my priorities need rearranging.